"Still a Father: The Silent Grief of Miscarriage" | Guest Contributor - Herman Kingsley

Edited By Roselyn A. St. Claire

One of the worst feelings a man can experience is watching his woman go through a miscarriage, especially when the child was deeply wanted. When you’ve worked hard to reach the point of pregnancy, hearing her say, “My water broke,” just three or four months in… it’s not just heartbreaking. It’s mentally devastating.

Worse still is knowing that, unless a miracle happens, there’s no chance of survival.

Years ago, my partner and I were expecting. We were overjoyed, floating. We took every precaution: clean eating, careful movement, doctor visits, supplements. Every possible precaution was observed. We were older than the average couple, so when the doctor recommended an amniocentesis, we were told it was to rule out the possibility of Down Syndrome. We agreed.

Still, I was uneasy.

The day of the procedure, I called a doctor friend in the U.S., and his response was urgent:

“Get out of there. Now.”

But by the time I made it to the office, she was already in stirrups and the needle was going in.

That procedure lasted nearly an hour. The doctor said the baby kept extending his leg toward the needle, so he had to “keep trying.” That meant pulling the needle out and re-inserting it, repeatedly.

Now, I’m no medical expert, but common sense told me that couldn’t be good. Still, he assured us it was fine, that no harm was done. She was told to go home and rest. We had a wedding to attend that weekend, and though she didn’t feel great, we still went. That night ended on a high note.

But the next day… everything changed.  She called out to me from the bathroom.

“My water broke!”

I ran in to find the floor soaked and blood trickling down her legs.

Panic.  Pain.  Powerlessness.

We rushed to the doctor’s private hospital, and as he met us at the entrance, I could see the look on his face.

Guilt.  Failure. 

He knew.

Later that night, we learned it was a boy.  He didn’t make it.

I went home and completely broke down. I couldn’t even be there for her. Couldn’t hold her. Couldn’t speak. Couldn’t process what had just happened.

And the next day, when I returned to pick her up—she was the one comforting me. That image of her, strong in her most broken moment, is burned into my memory.

For many years, that miscarriage remained a silent rift between us, even after we eventually had a child together. We never fully grieved together. And if I’m honest, I never forgave that doctor.

Looking back, I believe the procedure was not done properly. I think that the loss could have been avoided. And while I did find healing in becoming a father later on—with the guidance of a different, more capable physician—there’s a part of me that still aches for the boy we didn’t get to meet.

Men Grieve, Too

This story is personal. It’s raw. And it’s a reminder that men grieve, too.

We may not always show it the same way.

 We may not have the language or the tools.

 We may even fall apart quietly—in the dark, alone.

But miscarriage, pregnancy loss, and reproductive trauma affect both partners. And too often, men are expected to be the strong ones, the fixers, the steady support.

Sometimes, we just… don’t know how.

🖤 If you’re going through this—whether you’re a mother, father, or partner—know this:

You are not alone.

You’re allowed to feel everything you feel.

And you don’t have to carry it silently.

📌 For women:

Please seek support from OB/GYNs, grief counselors, or maternal mental health specialists. Post-miscarriage depression and trauma are real.

📌 For men:

It’s okay to need help. Therapy, grief groups, spiritual counsel, even just a safe conversation with someone you trust—all of it counts.

Don’t minimize your pain.  Don’t bottle it up.  Don’t pretend it didn’t happen.

Your grief deserves care, too.

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If you or someone you love has experienced miscarriage or pregnancy loss, consider these resources:

1. Amniocentesis - https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/amniocentesis/about/pac-20392914

2. Pregnancy After Loss Support -  https://pregnancyafterlosssupport.org/

3. Postpartum Support International – Dads/Partners - https://postpartum.net/get-help/help-for-dads/

4. Miscarriage Association (UK-Based but global support) - https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/  

🖤 Let’s keep talking about the things that break us—so we can learn how to heal.

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#MenFeelToo  #SilentGrief  #HealingThroughStory  

#UnspokenPain  #MentalHealthMatters

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