Is It Ok To Break The Code? | By Roselyn A St. Claire

 

The older I get, the smaller the circle becomes. Not because I’m bitter — but because I’m paying attention.

I used to think I could just mentally categorize people: acquaintances, close friends, day-ones, ride-or-dies. Sometimes I wish I could create a spreadsheet. Name, type of friendship, level of trust. You know — just a nice clean Google Sheet with drop-downs and tabs. But real life doesn’t work like that. People show up differently across seasons.

There was someone I met in my twenties when I was working at a casino located inside the international airport. Back then, I was really just living. Trying to figure things out. I was in my head a lot, but one thing about me that never changed — I kept the main thing, the main thing. And the main thing for me? Loyalty. If you showed up for me in your own way, I respected that. I held that close.

So when a friendship grew with someone — let’s call them a “real one” at the time — I leaned in. We shared space, time, and stories. Weekend cruises together. Laughter. I even invited them to an all-inclusive birthday weekend at St Baths Club — a gift from my boss. I could have taken anyone. I chose them.

Fast forward to now — in my 40s — and I’ve found myself re-evaluating everyone. Not out of spite, but out of necessity. It’s been happening organically. Circumstances shift. Occurrences shake the ground. No one’s exempted — not even family.

And as much as I’m cutting cords where they need to be cut, I’m equally careful about forming new bonds. I’m that kind of introvert who can turn up when the mood is right. I connect easily, but that doesn’t mean I’m handing out intimacy for free. I read energy. I read intention. I can really feel when someone is being real or rehearsed.

And here’s the thing: we all have layers. Different versions of us show up for different people — and that’s not being fake. That’s discernment. I don’t owe everyone all of me. The version of me you meet is based on the energy you present. Full access is earned. Snippets are what most people get.

But what about the ones who’ve had full access? The ones who’ve seen your raw, unfiltered life? The ones who’ve held your secrets — the ones who were there when it mattered?

I believe that even if we’re no longer close, what we shared deserves reverence. If I called you a friend — and we shared moments that mattered — your secrets are safe with me. Forever. It’s not just friendship. It's a principle.

So imagine what it felt like when I realized someone I’d placed on the top shelf — like expensive liquor — didn’t hold me in the same regard. Through casual conversations with a mutual friend, things were said. Things that only they would have known. Intimate details floating freely, like they weren’t once wrapped in sacred trust.

Let me tell you something: when secrets become small talk, so does the person who shared them.

And it stings. You think maybe they felt the same way once.

Maybe they honored the bond… back then. But somewhere along the line, time diluted the meaning, and they decided that the expiry date on loyalty had passed.

So, when is it okay to break the bro or sister code?

The truth is, it never is.

Not when it comes to trust.
Not when it comes to once sacred moments.
Not when someone handed you their soft places and believed you’d protect them.

Breaking the code isn’t just a betrayal of the other person — it’s a betrayal of the version of yourself that once showed up for that friendship with honesty.

So yes — I’m cleaning house. Mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually. Some people have been quietly escorted to the exit, and others… well, their presence is being deeply questioned.

I’ve learned that shared history doesn’t always equal shared values, and not everyone you love will know how to love you back with integrity.

But I’ll always keep the main thing, the main thing: loyalty.

Even when others forget, I won’t.

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Have you ever had to reevaluate a friendship that once felt solid? 

Have you been the one to hold someone's secrets — or had yours mishandled? 

Share your thoughts in the comments.

Let’s talk about trust, boundaries, and when to let go.

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